Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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