His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
