I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
