Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
