You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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