I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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