First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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