somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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