dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
