i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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