Apparently you make a good broom.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
