I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
