I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
