i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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