My underwear smells like fireworks.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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