and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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