It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
