i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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