This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
