dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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