My hand turned me down
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
