I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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