mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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