guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
