I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
