I want to have your abortion
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
