Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
