I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
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I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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