If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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