i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
