Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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