he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
