I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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