someone get that fucking seahorse.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
