Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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