I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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