I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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