Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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