fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
