I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
