So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have aggressive nipples.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
