fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
