I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
