I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
