i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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