I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
