I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
