So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
