Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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