why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
