I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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