Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
