if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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