you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
