I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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