just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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