1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
