i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i drank out of a bidet.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
